Epocalymus

I have been quite troubled lately. Troubled with many thoughts on my mind. Others says I am an emotional person, while some disagree, saying I am often logical and analytical. Confused with such comments, I acknowledge that I can be both at certain times and that my rationality cannot stop the spiritual aspect of me from expressing itself to the fullest. I do, write with passion and say things with a bit of a feeler’s touch, which is what makes my friends think I am a softie. But no, hidden behind this agreeable face are tinges of bitterness, resentments, and conflicting values. Having fought many battles along the way, I am still struggling to pick myself up, not to mention getting myself up on my both feet. It is a tiresome process and I must agree, a very challenging one in my current state.

But I am not giving up.

Yet, my determination is currently overshadowed by the temptations to withdraw from society and from people I do not know very well (like as if they know me well enough). I have been wavering between paranoia and mood swings frequently at my workstation, not because I am stressed by my work, but I feel isolated and lonely. Maybe I do not understand myself well enough to know my own strengths and weaknesses, perhaps, nobody tells me about it (having to be living in a stupid country and society where no one dares, except me, to give edifying comments on one another). Maybe I thought nobody recognises my talents at all. Maybe I am just without one. So, what if I really did discover the things I am good at? Simple. I would use it or them to my advantage and help contribute as much as I can.

But sadly, this is only a “what if”.

Things would have been different if most of the “what if”s in our lives came true. I believe, we or rather, I, could be million times happier.

Of course, that would have to exclude those tragic events that I have fortunately and narrowly missed:

– “What if” I stubbornly refused seeing the medical officer during my days in the army for my difficulty breathing and the huge lump-like thing inside my chest? I would have died of tumour.

– “What if” I died? What would the world look like if I died? How would things become? Some people might become sad, or perhaps, many would be totally indifferent about it, just like how the cosmos would be apatheic about our wellbeing or existence in this dark cold, yet spiritual, universe.

– “What if” I went and stayed home on the day I lost my bag? Perhaps, I would have not met my girlfriend.

– But “What if” I decide not to click on the face of the beautiful girl I saw on the page that says “who viewed me”? I would not have started a relationship with my girlfriend.

It is that simple. We make our decisions every step of the way, and sometimes, I get scared.

Scared of what?

Scared of the “what if”s.

It is those unforeseen circumstances that jeopardise our plans for the future. Some unfortunate events that took a turn in my life, and made me who I am today, a semi-traumatised and jaded individual, that I am afraid of. Facing my fears is just like telling my amygdala to stop reacting, let alone facing the many challenges ahead. It is like stopping the automatic process of negative emotions so naturally programmed in our heads. Sometimes I do wonder why my world revolves around the only girl I love in my life. Well, I can dare say that I feel secure and deeply accepted whenever I am with her. It is something which I do not get anytime and anywhere. And it seems that she understands me well, well enough for me to proudly say it here. Well, I am not ashame to reveal my insecurities, even though at times, I tried hiding it in front of many many others I do not seem to trust fully. Let’s face it, we are all insecure. The only thing we can do is to accept one another’s faults and love one another like ourselves so that our insecurities would eventually disappear.

Of course, my view is utopian. In this society, everybody eats shit. And everybody gets shit. And you, can be one out of many millions who are terribly fucked, unknowingly of course.

“…love your neighbour as yourself.” – Leviticus 19:18; Matthew 5:43, 19:19, 22:39; Mark 12:31, 12:33; Luke10:27; Romans 13:9; Galatians 5:14; James 2:8.

This verse occurred ten times in the Bible. It can be considered as the new ten commandments, but sadly, anything good is only utopian if nothing is done and nobody acknowledges its importance. Likewise, our existence is as good as insignificant, if nobody recognises anybody. Alas, this insignificant life, which deems itself superior as thinking beings are nothing more than just perishable cosmic material on the face of an ephemeral planet.